Journal Entry, Tuesday, 3 January, 2012
Our appointment was at 8:30 AM. And they confirmed that we were pregnant. An exam was done and all looked fine. The doctor gave us the scripts for blood work, and we were off.
The doctors office called and said Sue’s blood work was back, and that her red blood cell count was low, and very close to being Anemic. She also had low iron, and her Thyroid was under-active and we had to consult Sue’s Personal Care Physician, Dr. Handlesman about dealing with the Thyroid issue to get that squared away. However, Sue’s blood pressure was really good, and low for her.
Sue started taking the Labetalol for high blood pressure on January 3rd, and it really seemed to help. So, Dr. Nichols put Sue on 200 MG of the Labetalol and gave a script for Ferrous Sulfate, an Iron supplement to bring up the iron in her blood. Designed to bring it up only 1 point every 4 to 6 weeks. At the time of testing, Sue’s iron level was 7, where the Doctor would like it to be at 10 or 11.
Even though we had everything confirmed, Sue and I decided not to tell any one except for Pap, and Mom and Dad. We didn’t even tell Brandon, we wanted to wait until the first Sonogram to be really sure that all was good before telling Brandon. Better safe than sorry is the motto.

THOUGHTS
One of the most important thing in any pregnancy is the mothers blood. As it is everything to and for the baby. I was unaware how many facets there was to our blood before this pregnancy. And each of those facets effect different areas and developmental aspects of the baby. They even effect development outside the womb. Unbelievable. Blood is the essential element that keeps us alive besides our heart.

When Sue’s sonograms were done, especially with her high risk pregnancy, one of the main things that doctors examined and intently watched is the heart and how it is distributing her blood. Are the arteries open and allowing the blood to flow properly? Are there any obstructions? Is the umbilical cord carrying the blood properly? And is the flow of the blood, from and to the heart correct? That is the one thing that is of central importance. However, more of that later.

Once I started looking at the health of my wife’s blood, it caused me to examine what the Scriptures say about Christ’s blood. And thoughts started exploding. As well as questions. Questions such as;
Even though Jesus was fully human, as well as fully God, did his physical blood lack anything? Was his physical blood imperfect as he was born into an imperfect world? Did it have the same clotting elements as mine? These kinds of questions. Speaking of different elements, was His iron level at the optimum level? Was His white blood cell count in perfect balance and harmony with His red blood cell count? In scripture when it speaks that we are saved by the blood of the Lamb, was it actually meaning his physical blood? (I know of transubstantiation, and heard its teaching.) What was it about His blood that was different than ours? Was there any difference? Any why is His blood so important?

Several thoughts, not conclusions, yet as I am still on this journey. Blood is the very essence of life. Without blood, no life. It carries the necessary elements that our organs need to function properly.

On a side note, a dear family member had developed a blood disorder which ultimately took her life. Over time, her blood was unable to carry the necessary life giving elements her body needed. Basically, her blood wore out. However, we know she had a relationship with Christ, and know that she is indeed in His presence. Looking inwardly, asking myself, what is in my walk with Christ that is prohibiting me from a full, healthy relationship with Him. And this also applies to my relationship with my wife, and my children, and other relationships. Without looking at myself, I will not be able to see the lack that I have in order to have health in my relationships. Starting with Christ all the way down to every other relationship in my life.

In the Old Testament, blood was required for payment for sin. A sacrifice, for sin. Was the blood the proof that the sacrifice was complete? Why did God require blood?

I like the thoughts of Charles Spurgeon on the blood of Christ. He writes, “My own sight of the precious blood is for my comfort; but it is the LORD’s sight of it which secures my safety. Even when I am unable to behold it, the LORD looks at it and passes over me because of it. If I am not so much at ease as I ought to be, because my faith is dim, yet I am equally safe because the LORD’s eye is not dim, and He sees the blood of the great Sacrifice with steady gaze. What a joy is this!

The LORD sees the deep inner meaning, the infinite fullness of all that is meant by the death of His dear Son. He sees it with restful memory of the price paid that satisfied the death penalty. And all His matchless attributes glorified.

God beheld creation in its progress and said, “It is good”; but what does He say of redemption in its completeness? What does He say of the obedience even unto death of His well-beloved Son? None can tell of His delight in Jesus, His rest in the sweet savor which Jesus presented when He offered Himself without spot unto God.

Now rest we in calm security. We have God’s sacrifice and God’s Word to create in us a sense of perfect security. He will, He must, pass over us, because He spared not His beloved substitute. Justice joins hands with love to provide everlasting salvation for all those under the blood of Christ.”

So once we got to the new covenant of Jesus Christ, Jesus being the one final sacrifice for our sin, His blood was more than enough to pay for the sin of mankind, throughout all eternity until the day of His future return. Again, was it the physical blood itself or what His blood represented? Proof of the sinless sacrifice. I would like to know further from more studied individuals, thoughts on this, however, I tend to think that it is “who” the sacrifice was and not necessarily the physical blood itself.

Mentioning previously, the heart and the blood need to work in concert with one another. One cannot function without the other. The same is true, that one has an extreme effect on the other. With out the blood carrying the essential needs for the body, the heart is dead. However it is the blood that carries what the body needs. The heart is the engine that catapults the blood, the life giving substance. Christ’s blood unlocks the relationship I have with the Father. The Holy Spirit keeps me in harmony with the Father, leading, guiding, convicting, and praying for me before the throne.

The health of our spiritual life depends on a number of factors. A constant relationship with Christ. Which includes prayer, worship, studying the scriptures, fellowship with other believers, ministering, and so forth. However the one thing that severely effects our “heart”, is sin. Sin blocks the flow of life from the father. Like a piece of fruit in a milk shake that you are trying to drink from a straw. The fruit blocks the flow of the milk shake in the straw until it is dealt with. Once it is removed the milk shake can once again flow freely through the straw. So we must rid the sin for the flow of life can resume with our Heavenly Father.

Speaking from experience, the poison that sin deposits into our spiritual health has an effect that can be all consuming. Sin has the ability to anesthetize. To send us into a state of a loss of consciousness of its (sin’s) power. We slowly loose the ability to recognize when it is even present. Or that it is controlling our behaviors, thoughts, relationships, and emotions.

Remember when a certain thing in your life caused a debate in your spirit whether or not to “go there”. I am sure there are areas that we didn’t go there, but the ones that we did, remember the raw conviction that was felt. The open channel the Holy Spirit had to speak, and the amazing ability we had to know the Holy Spirit was not pleased. Over time of “going there”, we can get to the point that we don’t realize we are all consumed. The poison of sin has inoculated us to the point that we are immune to the voice, convictions, and pleading of the Holy Spirit.

The heart just distributes the blood through our system, and has no barometer to the health of the blood it is pumping. It just faithfully distributes. And like the heart faithfully distributing the blood through our system, the only way to know the condition of the blood is by constantly monitoring, testing, drawing, and examining. Even sometimes under a microscope, for close examination.

There is no difference with our spiritual life. Without that close relationship with Christ, a trusted brother or sister in the faith, engaging in worship, prayer, ministry opportunities, fellowship with other believers, we have no idea the health our spiritual life. Monitoring, testing, drawing close, and even examining the state of our relationship with Christ, will keep us aware of our spiritual health. Knowing if the arteries of communication with the Holy Spirit are open; If the pressure we need, to maintain a good flow of the Holy Spirit working in and thru us is where it needs to be; if the daily rhythms of our life are balanced with time with our Father; all these things will allow an accurate assessment.

So the health of our blood, yeah, pretty important. Praise the Almighty that it is Christ’s blood that covers us. The power, the purity, the healing, the cleansing, the never failing, never tiring, sin forgiving, sin forgetting power of the blood of Christ. The truth is that if you are in Christ, you can have an eternal confidence that if the blood of Christ was good enough for God, it is more than good enough for me. More than enough for my salvation; more than enough for my healing; more than enough to deliver me from past, present, and future hurts, fears, anxieties and worries; more than enough even when my faith falters, fails, wavers, compromises, and negotiates. Because of Christ’s blood,
I am whole.

In my last post (When Not In Control), I had mentioned that our daughter Reagan had died at 6 months. After uploading that post, I went back through my journal at the time of her death. I wanted to see where I was spiritually, mentally, not to mention emotionally. I discovered the journal entry and sonogram picture of Reagan that I want to share. Promises, especially from The Lord, are as real as my daughter Reagan.

I remember it being very moving, even reading it again 4 years later I fought the tears. Upon finalizing my thoughts that day in 2010, I felt God speak to my spirit in response to my feelings regarding Reagan.

JOURNAL ENTRY
19 Dec 2010

I never held you, never hugged you, never kissed you, never smelled you, never wiped your tears, never fed you, or never strapped you in your car seat. I never saw the joy on your mom’s face when she would look at you, or your grandparents expression of joy, happiness, and expressions of love as they held you. I never rocked you to sleep, or watched you as you silently slept, displaying the peace that passes all understanding. And I never saw you face to face or seen you smile. So why is my soul in such distress, unmanageable sorrow, so much sadness and the feeling as a piece of my heart had just been amputated.

Is a promise that powerful? This promise of you. Do I put so much on a promise? NO! Reagan, you are not a promise, you are as real as I. As real as all of us. As real as life itself.

As the former mentioned that we were not able to share with you, be a part of you, I so long to have encountered, experienced, watch you grow, develop, to talk and hold you, . . .

God then spoke to my spirit. This is how I feel. This is what my heart goes through. When those I love, my creation, that I never get to hold, I never get to hug, never get to kiss, never get to wipe their tears, never get to feed, or protect. My heart aches with a God sized pain, because they choose not to enter a relationship with me. Especially those I call my own. Everyday, my arms are still open, my heart still receptive, and my love is still as full as it was from the beginning for you. Everyday I anticipate you. I long for you to anticipate me.

Gregg, trust me, your child, your Reagan, whom I finished knitting in your wife’s womb, is well in tact. I’ve held her, kissed her, and hugged her, with Reagan completely knowing it was from you, her daddy. She knows and is fully aware of your love for her through me. And she will always be daddy’s girl. She anticipates, as you, your reunion. I assure you, she will be waiting and watching for you, the day you come home.

ENTRY END

Affirmation: It’s still not to late to love on Jesus. He longs for it.

JOURNAL ENTRY
Thursday, 29 December, 2011
7:45 AM Sitting in the back room at home in Munhall, putting on my shoes, I was presented with the brown eye glass case. “What’s this?” “Open it and see.” Sue said excitedly. Two pregnancy tests with positive results. “Why two Tests?” I asked. “Well, after taking the first and waiting for the results, I accidentally knocked it into the sink, where the water happened to be running. I was afraid that it may mess up the test results and so I took the second to make sure. And they both are positive!!”” Praise God.
Just a week earlier Sue and I talked about getting pregnant and decided not really to put a time limit on the pregnancy, however if nothing happened within the next 6 months or so, we would just stop trying and call it quits. But God had other plans. Just a short time later, we were pregnant.

LESSON
Not sure where it is within us that we usually live under the illusion that we are in control. Maybe because our day is full of decisions. If we stop and can account the number of decisions we make on a daily basis, we would be surprised. Not just big, day altering decisions, but the little ones that we make. Usually without thought.

Think of driving. It seems so automatic, our subconscious seems to kick in and driving is something that we can do without hardly thinking at all. However, whether it is realized or not, almost every turn, every time the brake is applied is a decision that we have to make. Next time you drive somewhere, once you are at your destination, try and think back at certain points and remember how you navigated that certain area. I’ll bet you can’t remember even being at some of those familiar areas that may come to mind, let alone the decisions that you had to make.

Back to control. There are some decisions we are definitely in control over. However when we encounter something that had absolutely nothing to do with us, the truth of our being in “total control” comes to a new light. A traffic accident that isn’t your fault for example, or if some misfortune happens a loved one, we then understand how powerless we actually are. On the flip side of that coin, who wouldn’t want to have that type of control?

When we received the news that our daughter Reagan had died after 6 months in what should be the safest place this side of heaven, the womb, it seemed amazingly clear to me that there was no control by anyone, not even the medical field upon which we place life and death situations. Or seemingly, even the one that set the sun, moon and stars in place didn’t have control either.

There are those times that we all face where scripture is the last thing we want to hear, let alone believe. It took me learning of the next pregnancy to give a bit of strength to have a tiny bit of belief or faith that God had a little bit of control.

Not until after seeing the pregnancy test for myself did the prayers and conversations with God start again. Even thru my attitude of, “God, you owe me this”, an arrogance I am not ashamed of, He lovingly spoke and whispered to me the scripture found in Isaiah 55:8.

The scripture states “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work. (The Message) And the exclamation point is the last two words, “God’s Decree”!

“God’s Decree”!, when He decrees it! This means I, you, can take it to the bank! We can believe it without worry, anxiety, strings, or doubt. Once we understand that when He says that He doesn’t think like I think, or work the way I work, we can face anything that He allows to happen. In other words, we can face anything that happens to us that is outside of our control. From the small things to the life changing things. Ask Him to help you understand, He would love for you to get to know Him better.

Naturally we want answers,this is control. We want the who, what, when, where, and the why’s of any given situation. Those answers are useful and helpful during certain situations, however, sometimes we don’t have the luxury of answers. As there were no answers for our daughter dying. Whether medically or otherwise. And believe me, I searched high and low for them. In the end, I had to accept the fact that I would probably not get the answers I wanted for Reagan’s death, but I can trust the one who does know, and that had to be good enough. I have learned to accept that, and everyday I have to purposely trust Him with that.

But why not trust the one who doesn’t think like us when there are no answers? We can because He knows the answers. And since He doesn’t work like we work, you can find peace in His promises, in His Decrees. Hit you knees, ask Him to help you with your unbelief, and watch as He works.

He loves you more than you are able to realize. He does and will work on your behalf. Look for the lessons He wants you to learn. Ask Him to show you, He will! He isn’t playing games. He loves you. Trust him.

Affirmation to remember: You are eternally loved, cared for, and not alone.

For this first post, I wanted to give the reasons for this blog as a whole.

From the moment we found out that Sue was pregnant with the twins, to the day the girls came home, the life lessons that I have learned; my life perspectives and the philosophies that I believed were sound were severely put to the test; and the Biblical principles I thought I had figured out; and my relationship with Christ went through a radical re-shaping, re-evaluation, re-focus, and a new love for my Savior.

If we really pay attention, we can see the Father. Just look, watch and listen. You will see Him. You will see His creation, you will see how he communicates, loves, reacts, . . . You will see his patience, His caring, His rejoicing and His mourning,. . . You will see His strength and His withholding, . . . just watch. It is amazing what we will notice when we turn off the radio in the car. Get away from the television, internet, computer for 30 minutes, place your phone on vibrate, and just listen. If you desire for God to talk to you, he will. He loves you and desires to spend time with you. To hold your hand, look into your eyes and engage your spirit. Among a myriad of other things, this is what love looks like.

I ran across this verse for the 900th time. It meant something a bit different this time.

Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The part of this verse that has encouraged me to start this blog is “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me” put it into practice. . . I don’t want to hid it under a bushel, but give as it has been given to me.

Which leads me to the title of this blog, Reasons. I am going to post the journal entries that I made at the time of Sue’s (my wife) pregnancy, and follow it up with the things that God has taught me. My prayer is that as you take part of this journey, that God would communicate Himself a new and fresh way to you. God bless and I’ll keep you posted.