In my last post (When Not In Control), I had mentioned that our daughter Reagan had died at 6 months. After uploading that post, I went back through my journal at the time of her death. I wanted to see where I was spiritually, mentally, not to mention emotionally. I discovered the journal entry and sonogram picture of Reagan that I want to share. Promises, especially from The Lord, are as real as my daughter Reagan.

I remember it being very moving, even reading it again 4 years later I fought the tears. Upon finalizing my thoughts that day in 2010, I felt God speak to my spirit in response to my feelings regarding Reagan.

JOURNAL ENTRY
19 Dec 2010

I never held you, never hugged you, never kissed you, never smelled you, never wiped your tears, never fed you, or never strapped you in your car seat. I never saw the joy on your mom’s face when she would look at you, or your grandparents expression of joy, happiness, and expressions of love as they held you. I never rocked you to sleep, or watched you as you silently slept, displaying the peace that passes all understanding. And I never saw you face to face or seen you smile. So why is my soul in such distress, unmanageable sorrow, so much sadness and the feeling as a piece of my heart had just been amputated.

Is a promise that powerful? This promise of you. Do I put so much on a promise? NO! Reagan, you are not a promise, you are as real as I. As real as all of us. As real as life itself.

As the former mentioned that we were not able to share with you, be a part of you, I so long to have encountered, experienced, watch you grow, develop, to talk and hold you, . . .

God then spoke to my spirit. This is how I feel. This is what my heart goes through. When those I love, my creation, that I never get to hold, I never get to hug, never get to kiss, never get to wipe their tears, never get to feed, or protect. My heart aches with a God sized pain, because they choose not to enter a relationship with me. Especially those I call my own. Everyday, my arms are still open, my heart still receptive, and my love is still as full as it was from the beginning for you. Everyday I anticipate you. I long for you to anticipate me.

Gregg, trust me, your child, your Reagan, whom I finished knitting in your wife’s womb, is well in tact. I’ve held her, kissed her, and hugged her, with Reagan completely knowing it was from you, her daddy. She knows and is fully aware of your love for her through me. And she will always be daddy’s girl. She anticipates, as you, your reunion. I assure you, she will be waiting and watching for you, the day you come home.

ENTRY END

Affirmation: It’s still not to late to love on Jesus. He longs for it.