JOURNAL ENTRY
Thursday, 29 December, 2011
7:45 AM Sitting in the back room at home in Munhall, putting on my shoes, I was presented with the brown eye glass case. “What’s this?” “Open it and see.” Sue said excitedly. Two pregnancy tests with positive results. “Why two Tests?” I asked. “Well, after taking the first and waiting for the results, I accidentally knocked it into the sink, where the water happened to be running. I was afraid that it may mess up the test results and so I took the second to make sure. And they both are positive!!”” Praise God.
Just a week earlier Sue and I talked about getting pregnant and decided not really to put a time limit on the pregnancy, however if nothing happened within the next 6 months or so, we would just stop trying and call it quits. But God had other plans. Just a short time later, we were pregnant.

LESSON
Not sure where it is within us that we usually live under the illusion that we are in control. Maybe because our day is full of decisions. If we stop and can account the number of decisions we make on a daily basis, we would be surprised. Not just big, day altering decisions, but the little ones that we make. Usually without thought.

Think of driving. It seems so automatic, our subconscious seems to kick in and driving is something that we can do without hardly thinking at all. However, whether it is realized or not, almost every turn, every time the brake is applied is a decision that we have to make. Next time you drive somewhere, once you are at your destination, try and think back at certain points and remember how you navigated that certain area. I’ll bet you can’t remember even being at some of those familiar areas that may come to mind, let alone the decisions that you had to make.

Back to control. There are some decisions we are definitely in control over. However when we encounter something that had absolutely nothing to do with us, the truth of our being in “total control” comes to a new light. A traffic accident that isn’t your fault for example, or if some misfortune happens a loved one, we then understand how powerless we actually are. On the flip side of that coin, who wouldn’t want to have that type of control?

When we received the news that our daughter Reagan had died after 6 months in what should be the safest place this side of heaven, the womb, it seemed amazingly clear to me that there was no control by anyone, not even the medical field upon which we place life and death situations. Or seemingly, even the one that set the sun, moon and stars in place didn’t have control either.

There are those times that we all face where scripture is the last thing we want to hear, let alone believe. It took me learning of the next pregnancy to give a bit of strength to have a tiny bit of belief or faith that God had a little bit of control.

Not until after seeing the pregnancy test for myself did the prayers and conversations with God start again. Even thru my attitude of, “God, you owe me this”, an arrogance I am not ashamed of, He lovingly spoke and whispered to me the scripture found in Isaiah 55:8.

The scripture states “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work. (The Message) And the exclamation point is the last two words, “God’s Decree”!

“God’s Decree”!, when He decrees it! This means I, you, can take it to the bank! We can believe it without worry, anxiety, strings, or doubt. Once we understand that when He says that He doesn’t think like I think, or work the way I work, we can face anything that He allows to happen. In other words, we can face anything that happens to us that is outside of our control. From the small things to the life changing things. Ask Him to help you understand, He would love for you to get to know Him better.

Naturally we want answers,this is control. We want the who, what, when, where, and the why’s of any given situation. Those answers are useful and helpful during certain situations, however, sometimes we don’t have the luxury of answers. As there were no answers for our daughter dying. Whether medically or otherwise. And believe me, I searched high and low for them. In the end, I had to accept the fact that I would probably not get the answers I wanted for Reagan’s death, but I can trust the one who does know, and that had to be good enough. I have learned to accept that, and everyday I have to purposely trust Him with that.

But why not trust the one who doesn’t think like us when there are no answers? We can because He knows the answers. And since He doesn’t work like we work, you can find peace in His promises, in His Decrees. Hit you knees, ask Him to help you with your unbelief, and watch as He works.

He loves you more than you are able to realize. He does and will work on your behalf. Look for the lessons He wants you to learn. Ask Him to show you, He will! He isn’t playing games. He loves you. Trust him.

Affirmation to remember: You are eternally loved, cared for, and not alone.