In my last post (When Not In Control), I had mentioned that our daughter Reagan had died at 6 months. After uploading that post, I went back through my journal at the time of her death. I wanted to see where I was spiritually, mentally, not to mention emotionally. I discovered the journal entry and sonogram picture of Reagan that I want to share. Promises, especially from The Lord, are as real as my daughter Reagan.

I remember it being very moving, even reading it again 4 years later I fought the tears. Upon finalizing my thoughts that day in 2010, I felt God speak to my spirit in response to my feelings regarding Reagan.

JOURNAL ENTRY
19 Dec 2010

I never held you, never hugged you, never kissed you, never smelled you, never wiped your tears, never fed you, or never strapped you in your car seat. I never saw the joy on your mom’s face when she would look at you, or your grandparents expression of joy, happiness, and expressions of love as they held you. I never rocked you to sleep, or watched you as you silently slept, displaying the peace that passes all understanding. And I never saw you face to face or seen you smile. So why is my soul in such distress, unmanageable sorrow, so much sadness and the feeling as a piece of my heart had just been amputated.

Is a promise that powerful? This promise of you. Do I put so much on a promise? NO! Reagan, you are not a promise, you are as real as I. As real as all of us. As real as life itself.

As the former mentioned that we were not able to share with you, be a part of you, I so long to have encountered, experienced, watch you grow, develop, to talk and hold you, . . .

God then spoke to my spirit. This is how I feel. This is what my heart goes through. When those I love, my creation, that I never get to hold, I never get to hug, never get to kiss, never get to wipe their tears, never get to feed, or protect. My heart aches with a God sized pain, because they choose not to enter a relationship with me. Especially those I call my own. Everyday, my arms are still open, my heart still receptive, and my love is still as full as it was from the beginning for you. Everyday I anticipate you. I long for you to anticipate me.

Gregg, trust me, your child, your Reagan, whom I finished knitting in your wife’s womb, is well in tact. I’ve held her, kissed her, and hugged her, with Reagan completely knowing it was from you, her daddy. She knows and is fully aware of your love for her through me. And she will always be daddy’s girl. She anticipates, as you, your reunion. I assure you, she will be waiting and watching for you, the day you come home.

ENTRY END

Affirmation: It’s still not to late to love on Jesus. He longs for it.

JOURNAL ENTRY
Thursday, 29 December, 2011
7:45 AM Sitting in the back room at home in Munhall, putting on my shoes, I was presented with the brown eye glass case. “What’s this?” “Open it and see.” Sue said excitedly. Two pregnancy tests with positive results. “Why two Tests?” I asked. “Well, after taking the first and waiting for the results, I accidentally knocked it into the sink, where the water happened to be running. I was afraid that it may mess up the test results and so I took the second to make sure. And they both are positive!!”” Praise God.
Just a week earlier Sue and I talked about getting pregnant and decided not really to put a time limit on the pregnancy, however if nothing happened within the next 6 months or so, we would just stop trying and call it quits. But God had other plans. Just a short time later, we were pregnant.

LESSON
Not sure where it is within us that we usually live under the illusion that we are in control. Maybe because our day is full of decisions. If we stop and can account the number of decisions we make on a daily basis, we would be surprised. Not just big, day altering decisions, but the little ones that we make. Usually without thought.

Think of driving. It seems so automatic, our subconscious seems to kick in and driving is something that we can do without hardly thinking at all. However, whether it is realized or not, almost every turn, every time the brake is applied is a decision that we have to make. Next time you drive somewhere, once you are at your destination, try and think back at certain points and remember how you navigated that certain area. I’ll bet you can’t remember even being at some of those familiar areas that may come to mind, let alone the decisions that you had to make.

Back to control. There are some decisions we are definitely in control over. However when we encounter something that had absolutely nothing to do with us, the truth of our being in “total control” comes to a new light. A traffic accident that isn’t your fault for example, or if some misfortune happens a loved one, we then understand how powerless we actually are. On the flip side of that coin, who wouldn’t want to have that type of control?

When we received the news that our daughter Reagan had died after 6 months in what should be the safest place this side of heaven, the womb, it seemed amazingly clear to me that there was no control by anyone, not even the medical field upon which we place life and death situations. Or seemingly, even the one that set the sun, moon and stars in place didn’t have control either.

There are those times that we all face where scripture is the last thing we want to hear, let alone believe. It took me learning of the next pregnancy to give a bit of strength to have a tiny bit of belief or faith that God had a little bit of control.

Not until after seeing the pregnancy test for myself did the prayers and conversations with God start again. Even thru my attitude of, “God, you owe me this”, an arrogance I am not ashamed of, He lovingly spoke and whispered to me the scripture found in Isaiah 55:8.

The scripture states “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work. (The Message) And the exclamation point is the last two words, “God’s Decree”!

“God’s Decree”!, when He decrees it! This means I, you, can take it to the bank! We can believe it without worry, anxiety, strings, or doubt. Once we understand that when He says that He doesn’t think like I think, or work the way I work, we can face anything that He allows to happen. In other words, we can face anything that happens to us that is outside of our control. From the small things to the life changing things. Ask Him to help you understand, He would love for you to get to know Him better.

Naturally we want answers,this is control. We want the who, what, when, where, and the why’s of any given situation. Those answers are useful and helpful during certain situations, however, sometimes we don’t have the luxury of answers. As there were no answers for our daughter dying. Whether medically or otherwise. And believe me, I searched high and low for them. In the end, I had to accept the fact that I would probably not get the answers I wanted for Reagan’s death, but I can trust the one who does know, and that had to be good enough. I have learned to accept that, and everyday I have to purposely trust Him with that.

But why not trust the one who doesn’t think like us when there are no answers? We can because He knows the answers. And since He doesn’t work like we work, you can find peace in His promises, in His Decrees. Hit you knees, ask Him to help you with your unbelief, and watch as He works.

He loves you more than you are able to realize. He does and will work on your behalf. Look for the lessons He wants you to learn. Ask Him to show you, He will! He isn’t playing games. He loves you. Trust him.

Affirmation to remember: You are eternally loved, cared for, and not alone.

For this first post, I wanted to give the reasons for this blog as a whole.

From the moment we found out that Sue was pregnant with the twins, to the day the girls came home, the life lessons that I have learned; my life perspectives and the philosophies that I believed were sound were severely put to the test; and the Biblical principles I thought I had figured out; and my relationship with Christ went through a radical re-shaping, re-evaluation, re-focus, and a new love for my Savior.

If we really pay attention, we can see the Father. Just look, watch and listen. You will see Him. You will see His creation, you will see how he communicates, loves, reacts, . . . You will see his patience, His caring, His rejoicing and His mourning,. . . You will see His strength and His withholding, . . . just watch. It is amazing what we will notice when we turn off the radio in the car. Get away from the television, internet, computer for 30 minutes, place your phone on vibrate, and just listen. If you desire for God to talk to you, he will. He loves you and desires to spend time with you. To hold your hand, look into your eyes and engage your spirit. Among a myriad of other things, this is what love looks like.

I ran across this verse for the 900th time. It meant something a bit different this time.

Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The part of this verse that has encouraged me to start this blog is “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me” put it into practice. . . I don’t want to hid it under a bushel, but give as it has been given to me.

Which leads me to the title of this blog, Reasons. I am going to post the journal entries that I made at the time of Sue’s (my wife) pregnancy, and follow it up with the things that God has taught me. My prayer is that as you take part of this journey, that God would communicate Himself a new and fresh way to you. God bless and I’ll keep you posted.